Quote of the day
"If you want to get elected, you have to lick the arse of Rupert Murdoch" - Francois
"Beth, I have never had my clothes ripped off by a woman like that before!" - Daisy
"I like the Scottish accent. You'd think I'd enjoy Balamory more" - Louise S (Louise H's flatmate)
"I need to pee. Don't let anything exciting happen while I'm gone!" - Louise H
"Is South Africa in the Southern hemisphere?" - Louise H
"Michael, I'LL have the babies!" - Daisy
"This is just my stunt dress" - Jonathan
"I can't even murder a bubble!" - louise
"That's a nice statue of John Wesley. At least he has all his bits!" - Merle B.
"There were three in the bed and the little one said "dang it, Jesus is taking up too much space!"" - Jonathan
"It's shiny and obtuse!" Jonathan. "So's your mom!" Beth" -
"CHEESE??? (maximum volume)" - Beth Little
""Do you like my Dr. Who theme song dance?" Beth "Exceot for the chicken bit"" - Jonathan
"What a lot of cookies! 1...2...3...4...5...6... that's a big one! It's a donut! What a lot of cookies!" - Jonathan
"Placenta? Is that what pixies use to quell rebellion?" - Jonathan
"I wouldn't want to be YOUR toilet!" - Fred
"you just can't get off those dead lions!" - caroline
"ha ha when you talk it makes my nose wiggle!" - Beth Little
"It is not a decision I can make based on Sainsburys shopping and cardboard woman" - Craig K
"Jonathan's using all my bandwidth! My chloride level has dropped! - Fran. Well you can't blame me for that one - Jonathan" -
"we shopped till we dropped and then there were pirates!" - beth
"Every LITTLE helps." Ted. "This one doesn't." - Beth Little
"I'm an African Red River hog rooting around in your hair for chocolate truffles. " - Beth Little
"Where's the road gone?" - Craig K
"Jonathan: Dear Mr. Nipples, do you have gout? Beth: If not, may I recommend it?" -
"Greg Nipples is fourth? I hope he wins! I hope he's a woman so we can get married!" -
"Wanna be reverse-gender polygamists? Do you promise that if I meet Greg Nipples I can marry him?" - Beth L
"Hey, what's wrong with my sausages?" - Jonathan L
"Kiss me, Greg Nipples!" - Beth L
"Jonathan: My wife goes ooga booga. Beth: Don't I just. Jonathan: Don't I know it, baby. " -
"How come your belly has a southern accent?" - Beth Little
"You're the one who thinks he's a teapot with boobs!" - Beth Little
"Craig: How about Inky, Pinky, Blinky and Clyde? Beth: Don't be ridiculous, these are my children you're talking about!" -
"We came up with names in case we have quadruplets: Clump, Clover, Clink and Clobber. " - Beth Little
"Craig with a baby? Is that like snakes on a plane? I don't want to know what Craig woudl do with a baby. Manipulate it in strange, strange ways. " - Jonathan
"Babies are asexual!" - Beth Little
"Jonathan: You realize if a ghost cow got up here it wouldn't be able to get back down? Beth: Can't ghost cows go down stairs?" -
"Are those shoes? Are those your shoes that forgot to go to the place? Oh no, they are those other shoes, Aaah too mnay shoes for my tiny little brain!" - Beth Little
"The Roman empire was so huge they even conqured Hawaii" - Beth Little
"Jonathan: I was thinking of doing a couple's championship in karting this year. Beth: But then doesn't Craig automatically lose because Demelza doesn't-- Jonathan: No, it's Ok, I gave Craig Thomas. Beth: (chokes on pie) Jonathan: Yeha, Paddy laughed too. " -
"Reports of chickens in the alpha quadrant. It's a very serious allegation. I hope it comes to nothing. Otherwise it means the END OF THE HUMAN RACE! Join us next week for another random conversation with Jonathan. Are you texting all that to Craig?" - Jonathan
""A toaster is not a pet, darling." Beth. "But...but..." Jonathan" -
"YOU eat the spawn of satan!" - Steve (Gummybears!)
"She keeps him on a short lease. I mean leash. " - Beth Little
"I was throwing rocks at Nazis. And they were like, "hey, stop throwing rocks at us!!" only in German, of course. " - Beth Little
"How come when you win, you win, but when I win, we are a team?" - Jonathan
"A heat pouch is not the same thing as a prostitute" - Louise H
"You underestimate the length of my tongue!" - Jonathan
"I'm not a good prize; I wiggle around too much!" - Jonathan
"Oh no, that turkey squashed my pumpkins!" - Beth Little
"You're on the second story so you don't have to worry about ghost cows. Just ghost T Rex. Yeah that woudl get in the second story" - David W
"We need more ghost cows" - Jean W
"Do zombie ghost cows eat normal cows or people? Do they absorb methane? We need to alert Al Gore!" - Alastair, Beth, Jonathan, Jean, David
"Maybe sperm can jump through brick walls" - Sarah
"Dude that hamster is INTENSE" - Beth Little
"Mm mm beards... so tasty" - Jonathan
"Caroline: Don't kill that fly! You're a bad buddhist. You'll get reincarnated as a fly yourself. Beth: I'm not a Buddhist and that fly must die. Anyway, if I'm a fly then someone will kill me and I'll just get reincarnated as a... um... cucumber. Becca: A cucumber? Beth: Yes they have nice lives, just laying in the sun. Caroline: and then someone puts them in a sandwich. Beth: But I've been a very good cucumber so I'll get reincarnated as a squirrel this time. Caroline: How can you be a bad cucumber? Becca: Maybe you were cross pollinated with... Caroline: Nettles! Beth@ Yes, but that wasn't my fault. It was the bumble bee's fault. So I don't get bad karma. Becca: bad karma cucumber? Beth@ Or maybe it's the fault of an evil mad scientist who is trying to create evil hybrid stinging cucumbers!" - Beth Little
"I am not a lettuc" - Alastair King
"I need a manequin so I can practice doing things" - Tim S
"J: "Are all lullabies sad?" B: "well that one is about a baby falling out of a tree. What other lullabies are there?" J: "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" B: "that's not a lullaby! What about the one where the baby gets all the broken crap?" J: "Is that a country and western song?" B: "What? No, it's like, mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring, and if that diamond ring don't shine, mama's gonna buy you... um..." J: "A bowl of brine" B: "I was gonna say a glass of wine" J: What? Oh yeah, get the baby drunk why don't you?" B: "and if that glass of wine don't taste nice..." J: "Mama's gonna buy you a bowl of rice" B: "And if that bowl of rice is soggy..." J: "Mama's gonna buy you a... um... moggy?" B: "Froggy? Go on, sing me that well known country and western hit 'My Baby Gets All the Broken Crap'" J: "And I (mumble) when I was 14" B: "Did you say I hit her when I was 14?" J: "No HAD her. And she was made in the back of a pickup truck" B: "That is so tuneful. This has got to be a quote of the day"" -
"J: "Are all lulabies sad?" B: "wel that one is about a baby falling out of a tree. What other lullabies are there?" J: "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" B: "that's not a lullaby! What about the one where the baby gets all the broken crap?" J: "Is that a country and " - B and J Little
"Stop pulling my finger out!" - Adrian
"Of course it doesn't fit, you're putting it in the wrong hole!" - Collin D
"It made sense until I opened my mouth" - Jess N (Louise H's flatmate)
"I can slap my belly!" - Jonathan, slapping his belly.
"See if we had a child, where would my handbag go?!" - Demelza A
"Daddy's having an identity crisis. He thinks he's a sheep" - Jonathan L
"Let's live on love. No, that is a silly idea. Let's live on money" - Jonathan L
"It's a moustache that has to die" - Jonathan L
"As soon as I learned you were a cheesecake I knew how to escape!" - Jonathan L
"Hippo doesn't tickle, he has no fingers" - Beth L
"Oh dear, I'm going to be one wife short of a bundle" - Jonathan L
"Argh! I'm being ducked to death!" - Louise H
"Can I go to the MRI machine? It will make me have a seizure!" - Beth L
"Who put Craig K as the author (grumble grumble) oh that would be me" - Craig K
"I need to go and do the computer so I can do something worthwhile" - Craig K
"If I have to marry you " - Craig K
"I don't have mellons, I wish I did" - Cathy L
"No the fish doesn't want a hat!" - Dad to toddler at pond
"Babies aren't good conversation" - Beth L "Well neither am I" - Jonathan L
"I could have quipped back there but I forgot" - Jonathan L
"Don't do that, all the women will want one" - Craig K
"Coding is quite difficult when you have a head." - Jonathan L
"But who will be there to father funk and fruitcake?" - Jonathan L
""Do you know who I am?" -Brian. "He seems to have forgotten who he is!" - Rachel" -
"PUSH! NO, RACHEL, PUSH! PUSH, NOT PULL! You'll never be able to have a baby because you don't know how to push!" - Beth L
"Live a little granny, you're 186!" - Jonathan L
"Hey honey will you come in the kitchen and jiggle my chips?" - Jonathan L
"Jonathan: Cathy's got a good one. Beth: Yes, he's a nice boy. Jonathan: And if you threaten him, he'll bite your nipples off!" -
"Ancient queen Bertha has a shapely bottom' - Jonathan L 'Your not supposed to look" - Beth L
"I don't want to eat a sausage, because it's nearly bedtime" - Jonathan L
"I say nice things, I just do diddly squat" - Demelza A
"My bellybutton secrets fluff." - Jonathan L
"That's some extreme frictionizing. I'm scared!" - Jonathan L
"Dearest, you're wider than the sofa" - Craig K
"That's the way the cookie dough explodes out of my bellybutton!" - Jonathan L
"We could build a hybrid dodgem..." - Dan S
"Gaseus Maximus Andromedus, that's me" - Jonathan L
"I like walking cheese" - Jonathan L
"You are as posh as the other side of the pan, the burnt side" - Frazer A
"I don't change my mind, I just make different decision" - Demelza A
"You're a chipmunk with a facial stroke and I'm a trout in a hat" - Beth L
"I think all the money from the swear jar should goto a tourettes charity" - Demelza A
"Wikipedia, that well know source of interesting ideas" - Dan S
"Are you sure you want my knee in your chest?" - Jonathan L "no, I want the rest of you" - Beth L
"I don't think a Jewish person threatened to tickle Hitler" - Beth L
"John Sergeant has quit strictly" - Demelza A "Is that the fat one?" - Nana
"I don't eat them, they just go here." - Craig "...the correct procedure is not to plaster it all over your naked belly" - Dan S
"Was dust invented in cave times?" - Caroline
"ive never compared sex to toilet roll before" - Anonymous
"How did I miss the sex?!" - Anonymous
"she shivered under my probing crease" - Anonymous
"ArSee WomNar!" - Craig K
"He can do anything. He can use his Go Go Jesus Arms" - Beth L
"I'm not expected to think here" - Alastair King
"Get the bags together baby, we;re going to sainsbury's!!" - jonathan l
"I'll take care of him; I'll throw him in the pond. Which we don't have. Yet." - Jonathan L
"I love you as much as a train with 29 boxcars full of bugatti veyrons and Lewis Hamilton with his formula 1 car on the end, driven by Clive" - Jonathan L
"You could fill a pillow with me." - Dan S
"I need to recharge my headpod" Beth L "You need to recharge your brain" - Jonathan L
"Craig and his army of undead babies" - Jonathan L
"...I have deformed my bungee. :(" - Dan S
"Bread doesn't exist" - Jonathan L
"hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle, I jumped over the moon" beth " I'm not that surprised" - Jonathan L
"My website is better than facebook cuz i don't make all these changes that get rid of your privacy. With my website there never was any privacy." - Jonathan L
"I have a happy wife, who has a happy job, in a happy place, where Jesus lives.... Is it a mental hospital?" - Jonathan L
"Badgering? That sounds rather erotic" - Demelza A "Only for the badger" - Craig K
"It kinda takes the fun out of being raped" - Anonymous
"Can you get the Sunday Roast on another day?" - Craig B "I don't think anyone in this country has ever asked that question" - Beth L
"When did they get salad in England?" - Craig B
"Let's hope Fulham does better this year" - Jonathan, on the phone with BT tech support
"Ok, but before you go let me eyebrow you. Is this some kind of fetish?" - Jonathan L
"I've been discarded like a cheap chicken" - Jonathan L
"I wish I could be frosty... the snowman, the biggest goof in town" - Jonathan L
"Go away you banana-faced perv" - Beth L
"you're going the wrong way!" - beth "Not even superheros get st right all the time" - Jonathan L
"That is so gentle. I wish he would caress me like that" - ajonamous
"If I'm feeling broody I will probably just get a dog" - Demelza A
"I should get married more often" - Jonathan L
"Thoise people soudn like Ewoks"-Jonathan, "They're Chinese you dimwit!" - Beth L
"Pirate attack! It's the only way men can have babies" - Jonathan L
"I'd love to be able to say I'm listening to you" - Jonathan L
"Stop Wriggling!" - Beth L
"Rockabye baby, on the tree top. When the bough breaks the baby will be electrocuted" - Beth L
"Why are my feet blue? Why are my THIGHS blue? WHY AM I ASMURF? " - Leslie W
"Is that going to bethe name of our first child? Andy Goldsparkle?" - Jonathan L
"Chubby want a cracker? Tough, you're not having one; it's what made you chubby" - Jonathan L
"I can sing in a musical dooby dooby doo" - Jonathan L, in a verrrry high voice
"Oh rubbish I'm bouncing poo around" - Cathy L
"How will we cut the grass? We have no mower" - Beth B "napalm" - Jonathan L
"Well that's good, obviously lesbians do it for my computer" - Demelza A
"watch out or i'll get old and shify o your butt" - Jonathan L
"That was in my hardcore days" - Jonathan L
"The question is, do I want barbecue sauce on my Meatpacker?" - Dan S
"I don't have one of those. That's a s[pecial attachment that costs 49.95" - Jonathan L
"And YOU don't SEE!" - Louise H
"You don't say" - Nicola C
"What are you, blind or something?" - Louise H
"I'm fluffed already" - Demelza A
"I stopped to smell a rose and got preganant" - Beth mishearing Jonathan
"What makes you think i want to stick my finger in your belly-button?" - Craig K "Not even a little bit?" - Dan S
"That sounds like a tardis... Vicki, get in the fridge!" - Anna W
"Look, Craig and Demelza are having fun." - Beth. "No, he's just hypnotising her" - Jonathan L
"I live in perpetual fear of potatoes" - Jonathan L
"Beth Hovercraft? Oh, Havencroft, I get it" - Craig K
"I swapped you for a moldy loaf of bread and 2 cans of fish" - Cathy L
"and i mostly managed to catch beth" - Jonathan L
"you two are very off-putting" - Demelza A
"i know lots of feisty girls" - Michael S
"wow you're so flat!" - Jonathan L
"I can't even remember what we're talking about" - Jonathan L
"I want a 'green turbo speed iron'!!! Oh, it's steam iron..."" - Beth L
"I have a non-pregnant craving" - Craig K
"Hey, I'm not THAT blonde!" - Nicola C
"So basically Ratty, youre a blonde, Essex lesbian" - Louise H
"Another way I communicate with my American friends is through my tight dance moves" - dude
"I remember you when you were too small for your ears" - Rachel B
"It's not consensual, I'm just being molested" - Louise H
"It's nice to feel used" - Nicola C
"Paddy, will you go out with Louise so that she can become a lesbian? " - Jonathan L
"Paddy, will you go out with Louise so ha " - Nicola C
"I'd rather be an Essex lesbian than a chav or a tart" - Nicola C
"apprently myself and jonners are going to abuse eachother" - Louise H
"Oi! I'm not THAT blonde" - Nicola C
"In my day, your mother just gave a you a jar of vaseline and that was it." - Anonymous
"I'm wearing a blanket; don't let the Bulgarians in!" - Beth L
"I will wee when you are weeping, when you laugh I'll laugh withyou" - Beth L
"I'm ppendix-free, but I have three bellybuttons" - beth, since everyone else put a bellybutton quote.
"Stop pretend-sexing me! I'm trying to clean your belly button" - Anonymous
"Your bellybutton looks like the eye of Sauron" - Cathy L
"So address it to "Uncle Whatsit and His Lady"" - Jonathan L
"Who does this? 'A standard die with 6 faces is rolled. If a 1 or a 6 is obtained, 2 balls from bag A are chosen. If otherwise, 2 from bag B.'" - Rachel B. "Are the balls magic?" - Beth B. "No. They're green and red and what they do is come out of a bag." - Rachel B
"Around here we help carry each other's balls" - Fran Blomberg, Giles Claussen
"No more pencils, no more books... no more money - Get a job!" - Hallmark graduation card
"Good Nelly, haven't you heard of tact? Even I know what it is, even if I choose not to employ it." - Rachel B
"The fat nuns told me. They are knowledgeable" - Jonathan L
"We have a new garden gnome?" - Fran Blomberg
"I'm not greedy, I just eat more" - Nick B
"Stop turning me upside down!" - Cathy L
"I'm not leading you on, I'm talking about toast" - Cathy L