100000 Lemmings can't be wrong. - graffiti

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.' - Jack Handey

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.' - Steve Wright

A typical Irish town consists of several buildings, one of which is always a bar called a 'pub.' Next to this there will typically be another pub, which is adjacent to several more pubs. Your larger towns may also have a place that sells food, but this is not critical. - Dave Barry

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. - Douglas Adams

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation. - Edward R. Murrow

As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech. - Rowan Atkinson

A jury consists of twelve people to decide who has a better lawyer. - Robert Frost

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. - Jack Handey

Pulling a moonie in front of ten of your friends: good idea; pulling a moonie in front of one of your friends: bad idea. - Some guy on the 11 o'clock show

It may be hard to use but at least it's slow. - Geoffery Moore

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Picasso

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. - Jack Handey

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - William Coronel

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Anon

Everything that can be invented has been invented. - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

Fac ut vivas - Get a life. - Latin Quotation

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. - Mark Twain

Getting information from the internet is like getting a glass of water from the Niagara. - Arthur C. Clarke

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. - Douglas Adams

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. - Groucho Marx

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. - Steve Wright

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. - Groucho Marks

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. - M.C. Escher

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes humans the dominant species on the planet. That may be true. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, All on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. - Anon

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steve Wright

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' - Jack Handey

News is something someone is trying to hide. Everything else is just advertising. - William Randolph Hearst

Outside every thin woman there is a fat man wildly signalling to be let in. - Anon

What is it like to be a girl? Is it like being a bug? I imagine that bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. - Calvin

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. - Harry Truman

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. - Steven Wright

I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it. - graffiti

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. - Groucho Marx

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do I'd just flick that switch up and down, up and down, up and down. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in German. It just said, 'Cut it out.' - Steve Wright

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. - Rita Rudner

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' - Steve Wright

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. - Jack Handey

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?' - Jay Leno

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries ... but they weren't included ... so I had to buy them again. - Steve Wright

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. - Samuel Goldwyn

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case: Coincidence? - Anon

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handey

Marines never die. They just go to hell and regroup. - Anon

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

If some girl tried to beat me up, I'd be like 'HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and bake me some pie!' - Cartman

I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice. - Clint Eastwood

In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea. - Douglas Adams

In vino veritas - In wine there is truth. - Latin Quotation

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. - Jack Handey

Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before. - Mae West

If at first you don't succeed, keep on suckin' 'til you do succeed. - Jerome "Curly" Howard

Between two Evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before. -Mae West

Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03. - graffiti

It's better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. - Oscar Wilde

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. - Jack Handey

It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics. - graffiti

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? - Jack Handey

Listen to a random group of Americans attempting to sing 'Happy Birthday,' and you will note that at any given moment they somehow manage to emit more different notes, total, than there are group members, creating a sombre, droning sound such as might be created by severely asthmatic bagpipers, so that the birthday person, rather than feeling happy, winds up weeping into the cake. - Dave Barry

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. - graffiti

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, 'Are we going to have sex again?' He said, 'Yes, but not with each other.' - Rita Rudner

Nunc est bibendum - Now is the time for drinking. - Latin saying

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. - Winston Churchill

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. - Steve Wright

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone

My name's got 'evils' and 'lives.' It's probably better not to wonder too much about it. - Elvis Presley

Oh great! First I get stabbed and now I'm bleeding! - Anon

Normally I don't believe in miracles, but something happened when I was about seven years old I still can't explain. I was on the front porch with Grandpa, about to eat my Twinkies, when Grandpa started grabbing his chest and saying he was having a heart attack. I ran to get Mom, but when I got back, Grandpa was okay. 'An angel helped me,' he said. 'Also, he ate your Twinkies.' - Jack Handey

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

Oh, sure, you've seen TV commercials wherein the Cheerful Housewife, standing in a bathroom, waltzes up to a scum-encrusted tile, sprays it with a cleanser, and then wipes it off to reveal a sparkling shine. But these commercials were not filmed on Earth; they're filmed on the Commercial Planet, where everything is different; where fast-food-chain employees really are happy to serve you; where there is some meaningful difference between Coke and Pepsi; and where 'light' beer does not taste like weasel spit. - Dave Barry

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. - Jack Handey

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - Rich Cook

One night in 1879 at a bar in a town called Menlo Park, NJ, some men were drinking beer, when suddenly one of them announced that he was going to invent an electric light. The others laughed, but that man got up, put on his coat and hat, and accidentally walked into the fireplace, thereby setting his coat on fire. This gave Thomas Edison, who was at another table drinking coffee, the idea of using carbonized cotton as the filament in his light bulb. So we see that beer, if used correctly, can be a tremendous force for good. - Dave Barry

Qui tacet consentit - He who is silent agrees. - Latin Quotation

Relationships don't last anymore. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' - Rita Rudner

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. - Anon

Smile things may get worse more slowly. - graffiti

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Rita Rudner

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You'. After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. - Jack Handey

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. - Steve Wright

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time. - Dave Barry

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts the moment you get up and doesn't stop until you get into the office. - Anon

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx

To err is human To really foul things up requires computers. - graffiti

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. - Steve Wright

USA Today has come out with a new survey apparently, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. - David Letterman

We are the people our parents warned us about. - graffiti

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Co. on rejecting the Beatles in 1962

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. - Jack Handey

We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilisation that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants. - Scott Adams

When you are waiting for someone, minutes seem like hours, if you are talking to a beautiful woman, hours seem just minutes. That is relativity for you. - Einstein

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress. - Anonymous

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Jeremy S. Anderson

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? - Marilyn Pittman

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. - Anonymous

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark - Dave Barry

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention. - Anonymous

We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization. - Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. - Christopher Case

I'd rather a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. - Tom Waites

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' - Jake Johansen

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot - Elayne Boosler

And no woman would want to be walking down the street next to a guy who had cellulite and whose boobs drooped. - Simon V.

In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home. - Dave Barry

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. - A. Whitney Brown

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? - Jon Stewart

Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble. - George W. Pachaud

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. - George Carlin

Women are complete, men are not; women have the whole set of x-chromosomes, men have only one of them, they try to make up for this by being arrogant. - Midas Dekker

Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you've got an economist. - Thomas Carlyle

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say 'Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.' - Rita Rudney

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams. - Rita Rudney

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. - Jewish proverb

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted. - Anonymous

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. - P. J. O'Rourke

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? - Anonymous

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind. - Jack Handey

Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder

Politics is derived from two words: poly meaning many, and tics meaning small blood-sucking insects. - Chris Clayton

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. - Brendon Behan

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. - Anonymous

I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake" he said. "They need you in order to have the party, but no one expects you to say very much." - Anthony Lake, at University of Massachusetts, Amherst, Graduation

My own business bores me to death. I prefer other people's. - Oscar Wilde

A critic is a man who writes about things he doesn't like. - H. L. Mencken

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they are unable to do it themselves. - Brendan Behan

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. - Mark Twain

Love your neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood. - Louise Beal

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. - Oscar Wilde

Life's tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late. - Benjamin Franklin

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

As a bankrupt thief turns thief-taker, so an unsuccessful author turns critic - P.B. Shelley

Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy. - George Bernard Shaw

It is a much cleverer thing to talk nonsense than to listen to it. - Oscar Wilde

So many men, so little time. - Mae West

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money! -Everett Dirkson

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo Phillips

Half of the people in the world are below average. - Anon

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -Oscar Wilde

What luck for rulers, that men do not think. -Adolf Hitler

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -Groucho Marx

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated -Mark Twain

Any fool can criticise - and many of them do. - C. Garbett

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" -anon

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. -George Bernard Shaw

He who can, does. He who cannot, consults. - Winston Finley-Smythe

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. - Gore Vidal

There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know. - Roger H. Lincoln

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. -Woody Allen

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. -Mark Twain

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers

Sex, drugs and rock n roll. Speed, weed and birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die. So fuck it all and lets get high - Overheard by Zorak at a London squat party

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. - Homer J.Simpson

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - Last words of Union General John Sedgwick, killed by a Confederate sharpshooter at Spotsylvania, 1864

Never wrestle with a pig in the mud. You'll lose, and the pig loves it. - A pig farmer from Kansas

I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel! - Baldrick

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. -Woody Allen

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. - Jack Mortranin

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. -Voltaire

The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself. - Rita Mae Brown

People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. - Rebecca West

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -Richard Harkness

Great! It works! Now all we have to do is keep it from exploding! - Ick

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

Nerve gas is not a toy. - Bart Simpson writing on the blackboard

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -Mark Twain

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. - Emo Philips

Plan A has failed. - Poster, London

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent. - Socrates

I never married because there was no need... I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband: I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

It's a funny old world isn't it? We can get a man on the moon but we still can't get one on Martina Navratilova. - Unknown

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. - Gloria Leonard

The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. - Oscar Wilde

The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in the above passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life. - Bertrand Russell

A theologian is like a blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat which isn't there - and finding it! - Rowan Atkinson

An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise. - Victor Hugo

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnett, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. - Robert Heinlein

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one. - George Bernard Shaw

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. - Galileo Galilei

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, DO NOT show him your boobs. This is a scam and he is only trying to see your boobs. - sent in by GP

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Lee Frost

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1.322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26.911 words. - Unknown

You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try. - Homer Simpson

One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries. - A.A. Milne

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious - Roger Berg

Better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. -Milton

Prejudices save time. - Robert Byrne

Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if pac man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music. - Unknown (sent in by nasty1)

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal. -Albert Einstein

Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, The village idiot will come forth. To be acclaimed the leader. - Nostradamus (1555)

Only the shallow know themselves. -Oscar Wilde

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two, it would have changed the history of music...and of aviation. - Tom Stoppard

It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they started life as children. - Kingsley Amis

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. -Samuel Butler

I hate to advocate drugs,alcohol,violence,or insanety to anyone, but they've always worked for me - Hunter S. Thompson

The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -Abraham Lincoln

A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. -John A. Shedd

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. - P.J. O'Rourke

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. - Unknown

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter

When a man talks dirty to a woman it's called sexual harassment... when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 per minute. - Unknown (sent in by Wendy)

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. - Ambrose Bierce

An American never insults on purpose. An Englishman never insults by accident. - Unknown

The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame. -Oscar Wilde

All great truths begin as blasphemies. - George Bernard Shaw

What if there were no hypothetical situations? - Andrew Kohlsmith

Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only meant that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark. - Monty Python

If man ever manages to built a computer big enough to accurately predict the weather, it will probably affect the weather. - Tom Cowling

Life is mainly grief and labour. Two things get you through. Chortling when it hits your neighbour. Whingeing when it's you - Kingsley Amis

In heaven all the interesting people are missing. -Friedrich Nietzsche

Remember: your work is meaningless & you'll die having achieved comparitively little. - Ad for Travelocity

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. - Unknown

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames. - Harry Hill

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. - Drew Carey

New media, new arse. - graffiti

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. - Frank Zappa

Would you sponsor a tramp? - A Tramp

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius. -Arthur Conan Doyle

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. - Dave Barry

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. - Jack Handey

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. - Sam Levenson

A child of 5 could understand this. Fetch me a child of 5, I can't understand this" - Groucho Marx

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - P. J. O'Rourke

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung - Voltaire

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. - Jack Handey

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - John Kenneth Galbraith

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. - Mark Twain

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. - Stuart Keate

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Anatole France

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. - Jack Handey

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. - Victor Hugo

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out. - Chinese Proverb

Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. - Blair Houghton

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." - Jack Handey

I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. - Oscar Wilde

Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit; sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short, brown, fuzzy hair. -Entry in San Jose State's Bad Writing Contest

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! - Jack Handey

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge. - Charles Darwin

(on Shakespeare) ... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. - H. L. Mencken

All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few. - Stendhal

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. - Maslow

Any time you got nothing to do--and lots of time to do it--come on up. - Mae West

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

In a mad world, only the mad are sane. - Akiro Kurosawa

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. - Ambrose Bierce

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. - Jack Handey

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - Art Hoppe

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power - Ashleigh Brilliant

No sane man will dance - Cicero

If it moves, kill it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does move, and then kill it.

The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Today is the first day of the rest of your short, brutish existence as a sentient creature before being snuffed out into utter nothingness for all eternity.

Sex isn't the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.

Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them

I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

If in doubt, mumble.

It's times like these when I remember my father's last words...'Don't son! That gun's loaded!'

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you'll pee less.

Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

I want to die like my Grandad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

A person's mind begins working from the moment he/she is born until the time that they get up to speak in public.

We live in a society where pizza gets to our houses faster than the police do!

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Time and alcohol heal all wounds.

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? - Dr. Who

The Internet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhoea - massive, difficult to re-direct, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. - Gene Spafford

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. - Jack Handey

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. -Ovid

Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. - Daffy Duck

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people and for the people. - Oscar Wilde

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - La Rouchefoucauld

In the end, everything is a gag. - Charlie Chaplin

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! - W. C. Fields

There's very little advice in men's magazines because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. - George Bernard Shaw

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. - Jack Handey

I've been rich and I've been poor. Believe me, rich is better. - Mae West

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it. - Mae West

We had a quicksand box in our yard. I was an only child, eventually. - Steven Wright

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. - Plato [yeah, right]

All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it. - Richard P. Feynman

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car. - Will Durst

The liver is evil and must be punished. - T-shirt print

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town - Jack Handey

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. - George Bernard Shaw

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. - Bill Hoest

I can resist everything exept temptation. - Oscar Wilde

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. - Euripides

It takes two to get one in trouble. - Mae West

Don't ever make the same mistake twice, unless it pays. - Mae West

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton

Sex is the most natural, most beautiful, most wonderful thing that money can buy. - Steve Martin

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. - Emo Philips

All censorships exist to prevent any one from challenging current conceptions and existing institutions. All progress is initiated by challenging current conceptions, and executed by supplanting existing institutions. Consequently the first condition of progress is the removal of censorships. - George Bernard Shaw

Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely. - Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. - Bertrand Russell

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W. C. Fields

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. - Mark Twain

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant. - W. Mizner

Mothers are the necessity of invention. - Calvin

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind. - Don Marquis

Don't keep a man guessing too long--he's sure to find the answer somewhere else - Mae West

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. - John O'Hara

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. - Jules Renard

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James

Don't marry a man to reform him--that's what reform schools are for. - Mae West

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity.- Albert Einstein

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. - John Quinton

I'd rather be rich than stupid. - Jack Handey

To generalize is to be an idiot. - William Blake

There are several good precautions against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. - Mark Twain

Death is natures way of saying you have just failed SAS selection - John Wiseman, survival expert.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! -Tom Lehrer

No issue is so small that it can't be blown out of proportion. - Stuart Hughes

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush, US President

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. - Steve Martin

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres

Show me a happy man and I'll show you a lobotomy scar. - Sean Connery

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own - Les Dawson

Never trust a hippie - Sid Vicious

If it weren't for the last minute, alot of things wouldn't get done - Michael S. Traylor

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. - Doug Larson

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' - Charlie Brown

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. - Marty Feldman

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. - George W. Bush

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemingway

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon. - Henry Youngman

As God once said, and I think rightly... - Margaret Thatcher

I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed. - Bruce Lee

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. - George Burns

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. - Jim Carrey

Strangers have the best candy - T-shirt

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. - Groucho Marx

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day. - Dean Martin

Money is something you have to make in case you don't die. - Max Asnas

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. - Peter Ustinov

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - Catherine Zandonella

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe - Jimmy Durante

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. - Mark Twain

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. - George Bernard Shaw

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson

The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! - Jim Warner

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. - Mark Twain

If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous. - Desmond Bagley

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. - P. J. O'Rourke

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. - Errol Flynn

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Hector Louis Berlioz

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist. - Franklin Jones

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. - e e cummings

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. - Goethe

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. - George Bernard Shaw

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. - Carl Sagan

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. - Sacha Guitry

A mink on her back, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all. - Walter Witchell (on Mae West)

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. - Groucho Marx (actually Rudyard Kipling)

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly - George Raft

What luck for rulers, that men do not think. - Adolf Hitler

People who say money can't buy happiness are usually rich. - Lembit Opik

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again - F. P. Jones

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup - Eddie Izzard

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing - Emo Philips

Do you know they now do eating dogs for anorexics? - Prince Philip (to a blind woman with a guide dog)

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. - Rita Mae Brown

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. - W. Somerset Maugham

One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you're trying to find out how a cat works - you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you've got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn't a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis. - Douglas Adams

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws. - Charles Baudelaire

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. - Norm Papernick

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams

There are quite a few more important things happening in the world today than this football game, but at the moment I can't remember what they are. - John Motson (before England vs Argentina)

There's nothing to say - we don't deserve to qualify for the last 16. - Roger Lemerre (French coach, after France crashed hilariously out of the 1st round of the World Cup, losing 2 - 0 to the Danes, bottom of their group and without haveing scored a single goal, despite having the top scorers in 3 European leagues in their side)

“Que se sepa: Dios no es argentino.” What do you know: God isn’t an Argentinian. - Argentinian tabloid newspaper

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk. - Stephen King

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. - Unknown

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. - Mark Twain

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong. - Voltaire

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - Sigmund Freud

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. - Collis P. Huntingdon

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what's left of your unit. - US Army Magazine.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' - Ronnie Shakes

TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done. - Miguel Ettema

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. - Bruce Graham

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday. - Rick Fields

In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid - Brian E. Moore

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. - Matt Groening

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." - Steve Martin

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution - Homer

Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. - Steve Rubenstein

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. - Yakov Smirnoff

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working. - Anonymous

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. - Mitch Radcliffe

Great men talk about ideas; Mediocre men talk about things; Small men talk about people - Admiral Hyman Rickover

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

Lastly (and this is, perhaps, the golden rule), no woman should marry a man who does not smoke.- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever. - Jennifer Love Hewitt

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs. - Nancy Reagan

People Ask Me, "Why is it free?" and I tell them (really slowly) "Because it doesn't cost anything - Bill Austin

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear - J.B. Morton

Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. - Advice to Officers of the British Army, 1783

Too many errors on one line (make fewer) - Apple MPW C compiler error message

Never believe anything until it's officially denied. - Margaret Atwood

A motorcycle is a combination of pony, blow dryer, and vibrator - perfect for girls of all ages - Colin MacDonald

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing. But, you could see it a lot better - Ellen DeGeneres

Personally I do not take a stand on the quaint customs that may take place in the colonies. If they wish to speak in a certain way then that is their business. When the greatest cultural aspiration of a society is to place a MacBurger Bar and Hagen Das Ice Cream palour on every highstreet of the globe it seems somewhat irrelevant to start taking them up on their vocabulary. - Phill Hallam-Baker

Science is one thing and Wisdom is another. Science is an edged tool, with which men play like children, and cut their own fingers - Thomas Love Peacock

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. - P.J. O'Rourke

Like a ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetric as it might seem - Marc Unangst

I doubt my getting fired from the Dairy Queen is a bellwether of recession, but it sure is a bellwether of I stuck my wang in the butterscotch - Jake Edie

When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist - Dom Helder Camara

I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of persecution at all times. - Gavin Rossdale

For a list of reasons why technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3 - Mike Batchelor

The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality - Dante

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail - Gore Vidal

I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot - Bob Van Voris

Anyone who thinks animals have no will... has never bathed a cat - Jennifer L. Dziura

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English - up to fifty words used in correct context - no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese - Carl Sagan

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich - Napoleon

The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards - Alexander Jablokov

Under capitalism - man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite - John Kenneth Galbraith

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't - Sacha Guitry

If the birth of a genius resembles that of an idiot, the end of a Havana Corona resembles that of a 5-cent cigar - Sasha Guitry

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding - John Updike

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer - Frank Zappa

When I saw him, I liked him. When I liked him, I Loved him. When I Loved him, I lost him - Julia Lasalle

Well, the first 98% of the project takes the first 98% of the time. The other 2% of the project takes the other 98% of the time - Creed Erickson

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important - Bertrand Russell

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat - Oxford Union Society rules

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. - Dave Barry

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues - Elizabeth Taylor

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live - Lin Yutang

You know you're no longer a teenager when the mere sight of one annoys the fuck out of you - Jennifer Knipper

7 deadly sins in one sentence: It enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to fuck If I weren't so busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day - Steve Archer

Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins - Tom Stoppard

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway - unknown

They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown - William Jeffereys

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination - Thomas De Quincey

It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases this is a bad idea - Ross Callon

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come - Matt Groening

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else - Will Rogers

The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else - Umberto Eco

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody - Mark Twain

Executive summary: fuckers. All of 'em - Anon

Freedom is not a gift from the state, it's the space we hack out for ourselves in the face of the powermongers and their apologists in academia and the media, who have a seemingly genetic predisposition to try to take it away from us - Louis Rosetto

People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot" - Dave Barry

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats - Howard Aiken

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you - Anon

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you - Anon

In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him - Martin Terman

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph - Shirley Temple

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked - Jeff Pesis

Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this - Charles Herbig

That was so funny, I just shot milk out my nose. Which is strange, because I am not drinking milk right now - Jeff Magnuson

We put the "laughter" in Manslaughter - Randy Goldstein

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? - unknown, open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger

True, money can't buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money - Bizarro

I understand women, I just don't give a shit - anonymous

The British Secret Service was staffed at one point almost entirely by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB - Clive James

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish - Ted Whitehead

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life - Terry Pratchett

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list - Yakov Smirnoff

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation - Howard Scott

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV - Homer Simpson

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost - Russell Baker

She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short - Clive James on Marilyn Monroe

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days - Garrison Keilor

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge - Spike Milligan

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself - Peter O'Toole

An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country - Ambrose Bierce

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means - George Burns

The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train - Robert Lowell

Never give a sucker an even break - W.C. Fields

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform - Alfred Kinsey

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming - Jimmy Carter

If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else - Gordon Sinclair

Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet - Taki

I've been wondering if most people I know aren't just killing time until it returns the favor - Greg Plesur

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger - Franklin P. Jones

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit - Mel Brooks

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside - Ken Dodd

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes - Ronald Reagan, during radio microphone test

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something - Groucho Marx

A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort - Herm Albright

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them - Will Rogers

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig - Alfred Hitchcock

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion - Norman Schwartzkopf

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less - Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch - National Lampoon

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war

I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away - Nancy Mitford

Ice-cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal - Voltaire

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't - Unknown

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague - Jerry Seinfeld

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living - P. J. O'Rourke

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior' - Rita Rudner

I love fall in LA. The birds change color and fall from the trees - David Letterman

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur - Jerry Seinfeld

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?' - Chris Unger

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money - P. J. O'Rourke

He has either never been to Umm Qasr or he's never been to Southampton. There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth - A British squaddie in Umm Qasr after Geoff Hoon described the port as "a city similar to Southampton"

Most people use statistics the way a drunkard uses a lamppost, more for support than illumination - Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know - Groucho Marx

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff - Mariah Carey (yeah, right)

SWM25, snuff fetishist, seeking SWF18-25 for short term relationship - anonymous

My speciality is being right when other people are wrong - George Bernard Shaw

The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes - Mark Twain

If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow - John Wayne

When you say you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice - Otto Von Bismark

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is - Chuck Reid

All the usual things: sunlight, trees, flowers, children, whiskers on kittens... but it's all fundamentally underpinned by gin - Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen on what makes him happy

I read my horoscope. The first line said, 'Ignore bad advice.' Fine. I stopped reading my horoscope - Dan Spencer

First, there was nothing. Then it exploded - unknown

Juries scare me. I don't want to put my faith in 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty - Monica Piper

Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion - Madonna

Football's not a matter of life and death ... it's more important than that - Bill Shankly

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch - Fred Allen

In a sense it's a one-man show... except there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper - John Motson

To unwind, the cast and I become irritable and bicker like children - unknown

BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk - Ambrose Bierce

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things we know we don't know. But, there are also unknown unknowns. These are things we don't know we don't know - Donald Rumsfield

Quit school, join a gang, is my message to youth. Smoke as many cigarettes as you can. Try the different brands, find out what is right for you - Ellen DeGeneres

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it 'Jumping up and down' - Rita Rudner

I'm fascinated by air. If you took the air out of the sky, all the birds would fall on the ground. And the planes too - Jean-Claude Van Damme

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective - P. J. O'Rourke

The secret to managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided - Casey Stengel

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man - Jack Handey

An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works of literature - in braille - Stephen Webb

In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything - Harold Coffin

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks - Jean Kerr

The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music - Peter De Vries

Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together - Mel Brooks

Time's fun when you're having flies - Kermit the Frog

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder

Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away - Billiam Coronell

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not - Jack Handey

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks - Emo Philips

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents - Nathaniel Borenstein

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch - Woody Allen

If you have an ax, every problem looks like hours of fun - unknown

I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs - Robert Downey JR

An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint - Ben Shahn

I owe it all to little chocolate donuts - John Belushi

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality - Bob Hope

The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help - Ronald Reagan

Time rushes towards us with its hospital tray of infinitely varied narcotics, even while it is preparing us for its inevitably fatal operation - Tennessee Williams

Never wear anything that panics the cat - P. J. O'Rourke

Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock. After it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6.20 - David Randolph

I'm not the man I used to be, so why should I have to pay off his debts? - Gary Apple

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die - Mel Brooks

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it - Dick Cavett

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time - Steve Wright

I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in - Mick Miller

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic - Jane Wagner

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter - Tommy Cooper

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong - Andy Rooney

My first rule of travel is never to go to a place that sounds like a medical condition and Critz is clearly an incurable disease involving flaking skin - Bill Bryson

An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country - Ambrose Bierce

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name - Milton Berle

At first glance, there's a lot of sex on the Internet. Or not at first glance: Nobody can find anything on the Internet at first glance - Senator Patrick Leahy

So many Right-Wing Christians, so few lions - Tee-Shirt worn by American liberals

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it -George Bernard Shaw

I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on... - Blackadder

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder. - Craig Charles

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams

A fine cigar is just like a woman. If you don't light it up just right and suck on it with a certain frequency, it will go out on you - Unknown

I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists. - Billy Bob Thornton

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it - E. B. White

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together - Oprah Winfrey

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days - WC Fields

Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window except that the birds might eat them - Martin H. Fischer

The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does - Phil Woosnam

Never hire a ferret to do a weasel's job - from a Budweiser ad

Guns are neat little things, aren't they? They can kill extraordinary people with very little effort - John W. Hinckley, Jr.

Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? - Helen Rowland

If I were God and I were trying to create a nation that would get up the nostril of the Englishman, then I would create the French - Julian Barnes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper - R. Serling

When red headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn - Mark Twain

I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him - unknown

The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment - Warren G. Bennis

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? - Bumper Sticker

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating - Unknown psychology professor

The rich keep all the money, pay none of the taxes. The middle class pay all the taxes, do all of the work. The poor... are just there to scare the shit out of the middle class - George Carlin

A hangover is the wrath of grapes - Unknown

Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know - Marvin Minksy

God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries - Unknown

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering - Doctor Who

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing - Anonymous

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject - Sir Winston Churchill

"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging." - Joe Martin, Mister Boffo

If god can do anything can he make a rock so big he can't lift it?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B. - Fats Domino

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home - Robert Orben

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. - Dave Barry

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? - Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. - Woody Allen

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. - Jack Handey

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. - Sam Levenson

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Unknown

Stop destroying the planet!... It's where I keep all my stuff - Cathy

The fall of the western roman empire was an imaginative experiment that got a little out of hand - Goffart

"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you." - Don Marquis

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted - Albert Einstein

I once asked a Jesuit priest what was the best short prayer he knew. He said, "Fuck it,' as in, "Fuck it; it's in God's hands - Anthony Hopkins

Kinky is using the feather, perverted is using the whole chicken - Unknown