Random Quotes
90 people get the swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom. - ralphdagza (twitter)
"Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under different conditions" - Mark Twain
Kinky is using the feather, perverted is using the whole chicken - Unknown
I once asked a Jesuit priest what was the best short prayer he knew. He said, "Fuck it,' as in, "Fuck it; it's in God's hands - Anthony Hopkins
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted - Albert Einstein
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you." - Don Marquis
The fall of the western roman empire was an imaginative experiment that got a little out of hand - Goffart
Stop destroying the planet!... It's where I keep all my stuff - Cathy
Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Unknown
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Unknown
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. - Sam Levenson
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. - Jack Handey
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. - Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? - Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. - Dave Barry
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home - Robert Orben
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B. - Fats Domino
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
If god can do anything can he make a rock so big he can't lift it?
"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging." - Joe Martin, Mister Boffo
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject - Sir Winston Churchill
You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing - Anonymous
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering - Doctor Who
God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries - Unknown
Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know - Marvin Minksy
A hangover is the wrath of grapes - Unknown
The rich keep all the money, pay none of the taxes. The middle class pay all the taxes, do all of the work. The poor... are just there to scare the shit out of the middle class - George Carlin
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating - Unknown psychology professor
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? - Bumper Sticker
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment - Warren G. Bennis
I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him - unknown
When red headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn - Mark Twain
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper - R. Serling
If I were God and I were trying to create a nation that would get up the nostril of the Englishman, then I would create the French - Julian Barnes
Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? - Helen Rowland
Guns are neat little things, aren't they? They can kill extraordinary people with very little effort - John W. Hinckley, Jr.
Never hire a ferret to do a weasel's job - from a Budweiser ad
The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does - Phil Woosnam
Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window except that the birds might eat them - Martin H. Fischer
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days - WC Fields
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together - Oprah Winfrey
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it - E. B. White
I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists. - Billy Bob Thornton
A fine cigar is just like a woman. If you don't light it up just right and suck on it with a certain frequency, it will go out on you - Unknown
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder. - Craig Charles
I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on... - Blackadder
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it -George Bernard Shaw
So many Right-Wing Christians, so few lions - Tee-Shirt worn by American liberals
At first glance, there's a lot of sex on the Internet. Or not at first glance: Nobody can find anything on the Internet at first glance - Senator Patrick Leahy
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name - Milton Berle
An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country - Ambrose Bierce
My first rule of travel is never to go to a place that sounds like a medical condition and Critz is clearly an incurable disease involving flaking skin - Bill Bryson
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong - Andy Rooney
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter - Tommy Cooper
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic - Jane Wagner
I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in - Mick Miller
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time - Steve Wright
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it - Dick Cavett
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die - Mel Brooks
I'm not the man I used to be, so why should I have to pay off his debts? - Gary Apple
Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock. After it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6.20 - David Randolph
Never wear anything that panics the cat - P. J. O'Rourke
Time rushes towards us with its hospital tray of infinitely varied narcotics, even while it is preparing us for its inevitably fatal operation - Tennessee Williams
The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help - Ronald Reagan
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality - Bob Hope
I owe it all to little chocolate donuts - John Belushi
An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint - Ben Shahn
I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs - Robert Downey JR
If you have an ax, every problem looks like hours of fun - unknown
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch - Woody Allen
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents - Nathaniel Borenstein
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks - Emo Philips
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not - Jack Handey
Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away - Billiam Coronell
I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder
Time's fun when you're having flies - Kermit the Frog
Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together - Mel Brooks
The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music - Peter De Vries
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks - Jean Kerr
In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything - Harold Coffin
An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works of literature - in braille - Stephen Webb
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man - Jack Handey
The secret to managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided - Casey Stengel
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective - P. J. O'Rourke
I'm fascinated by air. If you took the air out of the sky, all the birds would fall on the ground. And the planes too - Jean-Claude Van Damme
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it 'Jumping up and down' - Rita Rudner
Quit school, join a gang, is my message to youth. Smoke as many cigarettes as you can. Try the different brands, find out what is right for you - Ellen DeGeneres
There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things we know we don't know. But, there are also unknown unknowns. These are things we don't know we don't know - Donald Rumsfield
BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk - Ambrose Bierce
To unwind, the cast and I become irritable and bicker like children - unknown
In a sense it's a one-man show... except there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper - John Motson
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch - Fred Allen
Football's not a matter of life and death ... it's more important than that - Bill Shankly
Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion - Madonna
Juries scare me. I don't want to put my faith in 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty - Monica Piper
First, there was nothing. Then it exploded - unknown
I read my horoscope. The first line said, 'Ignore bad advice.' Fine. I stopped reading my horoscope - Dan Spencer
All the usual things: sunlight, trees, flowers, children, whiskers on kittens... but it's all fundamentally underpinned by gin - Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen on what makes him happy
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is - Chuck Reid
When you say you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice - Otto Von Bismark
If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow - John Wayne
The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes - Mark Twain
My speciality is being right when other people are wrong - George Bernard Shaw
SWM25, snuff fetishist, seeking SWF18-25 for short term relationship - anonymous
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff - Mariah Carey (yeah, right)
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know - Groucho Marx
Most people use statistics the way a drunkard uses a lamppost, more for support than illumination - Mark Twain
He has either never been to Umm Qasr or he's never been to Southampton. There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth - A British squaddie in Umm Qasr after Geoff Hoon described the port as "a city similar to Southampton"
It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money - P. J. O'Rourke
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?' - Chris Unger
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur - Jerry Seinfeld
I love fall in LA. The birds change color and fall from the trees - David Letterman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior' - Rita Rudner
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living - P. J. O'Rourke
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague - Jerry Seinfeld
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't - Unknown
Ice-cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal - Voltaire
I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away - Nancy Mitford
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch - National Lampoon
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less - Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom
Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion - Norman Schwartzkopf
These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig - Alfred Hitchcock
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them - Will Rogers
A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort - Herm Albright
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something - Groucho Marx
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes - Ronald Reagan, during radio microphone test
I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside - Ken Dodd
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit - Mel Brooks
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger - Franklin P. Jones
I've been wondering if most people I know aren't just killing time until it returns the favor - Greg Plesur
Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet - Taki
If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else - Gordon Sinclair
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming - Jimmy Carter
The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform - Alfred Kinsey
Never give a sucker an even break - W.C. Fields
The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train - Robert Lowell
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means - George Burns
An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country - Ambrose Bierce
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself - Peter O'Toole
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge - Spike Milligan
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days - Garrison Keilor
She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short - Clive James on Marilyn Monroe
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost - Russell Baker
The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV - Homer Simpson
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation - Howard Scott
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list - Yakov Smirnoff
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life - Terry Pratchett
Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish - Ted Whitehead
The British Secret Service was staffed at one point almost entirely by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB - Clive James
I understand women, I just don't give a shit - anonymous
True, money can't buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money - Bizarro
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? - unknown, open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger
We put the "laughter" in Manslaughter - Randy Goldstein
That was so funny, I just shot milk out my nose. Which is strange, because I am not drinking milk right now - Jeff Magnuson
Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this - Charles Herbig
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked - Jeff Pesis
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph - Shirley Temple
In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him - Martin Terman
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you - Anon
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you - Anon
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats - Howard Aiken
People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot" - Dave Barry
Freedom is not a gift from the state, it's the space we hack out for ourselves in the face of the powermongers and their apologists in academia and the media, who have a seemingly genetic predisposition to try to take it away from us - Louis Rosetto
Executive summary: fuckers. All of 'em - Anon
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody - Mark Twain
The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else - Umberto Eco
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else - Will Rogers
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come - Matt Groening
It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases this is a bad idea - Ross Callon
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination - Thomas De Quincey
They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown - William Jeffereys
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway - unknown
Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins - Tom Stoppard
7 deadly sins in one sentence: It enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to fuck If I weren't so busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day - Steve Archer
You know you're no longer a teenager when the mere sight of one annoys the fuck out of you - Jennifer Knipper
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live - Lin Yutang
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues - Elizabeth Taylor
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. - Dave Barry
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat - Oxford Union Society rules
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important - Bertrand Russell
Well, the first 98% of the project takes the first 98% of the time. The other 2% of the project takes the other 98% of the time - Creed Erickson
When I saw him, I liked him. When I liked him, I Loved him. When I Loved him, I lost him - Julia Lasalle
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer - Frank Zappa
The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding - John Updike
If the birth of a genius resembles that of an idiot, the end of a Havana Corona resembles that of a 5-cent cigar - Sasha Guitry
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't - Sacha Guitry