Random Quotes
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. - Steve Wright
Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. - Winston Churchill
Nunc est bibendum - Now is the time for drinking. - Latin saying
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, 'Are we going to have sex again?' He said, 'Yes, but not with each other.' - Rita Rudner
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. - graffiti
Listen to a random group of Americans attempting to sing 'Happy Birthday,' and you will note that at any given moment they somehow manage to emit more different notes, total, than there are group members, creating a sombre, droning sound such as might be created by severely asthmatic bagpipers, so that the birthday person, rather than feeling happy, winds up weeping into the cake. - Dave Barry
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? - Jack Handey
It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics. - graffiti
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. - Jack Handey
It's better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. - Oscar Wilde
Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03. - graffiti
Between two Evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before. -Mae West
If at first you don't succeed, keep on suckin' 'til you do succeed. - Jerome "Curly" Howard
Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before. - Mae West
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. - Jack Handey
In vino veritas - In wine there is truth. - Latin Quotation
In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea. - Douglas Adams
I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice. - Clint Eastwood
If some girl tried to beat me up, I'd be like 'HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and bake me some pie!' - Cartman
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Marines never die. They just go to hell and regroup. - Anon
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handey
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case: Coincidence? - Anon
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. - Samuel Goldwyn
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries ... but they weren't included ... so I had to buy them again. - Steve Wright
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?' - Jay Leno
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. - Jack Handey
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' - Steve Wright
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. - Rita Rudner
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do I'd just flick that switch up and down, up and down, up and down. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in German. It just said, 'Cut it out.' - Steve Wright
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. - Groucho Marx
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams
I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it. - graffiti
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. - Steven Wright
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. - Harry Truman
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome
What is it like to be a girl? Is it like being a bug? I imagine that bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. - Calvin
Outside every thin woman there is a fat man wildly signalling to be let in. - Anon
News is something someone is trying to hide. Everything else is just advertising. - William Randolph Hearst
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' - Jack Handey
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. - Steve Wright
Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, All on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. - Anon
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes humans the dominant species on the planet. That may be true. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson
I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. - M.C. Escher
I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. - Groucho Marks
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. - Steve Wright
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. - Groucho Marx
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. - Douglas Adams
Getting information from the internet is like getting a glass of water from the Niagara. - Arthur C. Clarke
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. - Mark Twain
Fac ut vivas - Get a life. - Latin Quotation
Everything that can be invented has been invented. - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Anon
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - William Coronel
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. - Jack Handey
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Picasso
It may be hard to use but at least it's slow. - Geoffery Moore
Pulling a moonie in front of ten of your friends: good idea; pulling a moonie in front of one of your friends: bad idea. - Some guy on the 11 o'clock show
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. - Jack Handey
A jury consists of twelve people to decide who has a better lawyer. - Robert Frost
As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech. - Rowan Atkinson
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation. - Edward R. Murrow
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. - Douglas Adams
A typical Irish town consists of several buildings, one of which is always a bar called a 'pub.' Next to this there will typically be another pub, which is adjacent to several more pubs. Your larger towns may also have a place that sells food, but this is not critical. - Dave Barry
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.' - Steve Wright
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.' - Jack Handey
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. - Douglas Adams
100000 Lemmings can't be wrong. - graffiti